


A Private Conversation

by LeastExpected_Archivist



Series: Vignettes of the Ring [3]
Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Humor, Kinky/Squicky Pairings, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-02-04
Updated: 2002-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:47:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26318905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeastExpected_Archivist/pseuds/LeastExpected_Archivist
Summary: By MJ.Morder's Best make ready.
Series: Vignettes of the Ring [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1912345
Kudos: 1
Collections: Least Expected





	A Private Conversation

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Amy Fortuna, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Least Expected](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Least_Expected), which has been offline since 2002. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Least Expected collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/leastexpected/profile).
> 
> Disclaimer: These characters are the sole property of Tolkien et al. They are here just for a lark. My entire profit from this is a happy heart.  
>  Story Notes: Others in series: A Secret Discussion and The Plot Thickens

"To horse, to horse! We ride, we ride! For the Dark Lord's glory and...!" 

"Oh, come on! Who does he think he is, anyway?" 

_choke!_ "What?! How dare you...!" 

"Ugly cuss, if you ask me." 

"He is the LORD of the RINGS, you fool! He commands us, He lifts us unto His own great height...!" 

"Huh. Never looked at _me_ twice." 

"Idiot! By His rings were we snared and by His might will He rule all...!" 

"Not me. Not if I don't want." 

"Hold your tongue, or He will smite you!" 

"Hey, I'm already smote, okay?" 

"But..." 

"I mean, what can He do? Go 'whuf' and, like, blow me away?" 

"Umm..." 

"Wave His stumpy finger and 'ting!', poke my heart out? Got news for ya, that sucker's gone." 

"But, but... we are His to command!" 

"Not me, babe. I'm my own wraith. I'll whisp the way I wanna whisp, know what I mean?" 

"Dammit, come on! It'll be fun! All the guys together. Big, black, sexy horses. You know you love that!" 

"Nah. Had enough. Boring." 

"Boring?!" 

"Yeah. No surprises anymore. Just ride, freak, snuffle, dead. Nah. No fun." 

"Well, hey, look. Just between you and me and the quagmire, he's got some good stuff for us if we get that Halibut." 

"The what?" 

"You know - short dude, no shoes." 

"Oh, yeah. So, what's he gonna give us?" 

"Come 'ere." _rustle_ "Just between you and me, right?" 

"Right." 

"Duds. New ones. Silk. With little ruffles." 

"Yeah?" 

"Yeah! And anklets. With a little...eh, you know, thingie. Charm." 

"What, the Eye?" 

"The Eye!" 

"Whoa..." 

"And fresh Orcs for the rec room." _wink_ "One each!" 

<drool> "Yeah?" 

"Yeah! And!" <Leer> "And! Bein' as how I'm His right-hand revenant, He promised me a brand new hob-nailed bed, self-sharpening." 

_Snigger_ "Yeah?" 

<Sidle> "Yeah. S'got room for two..." 

<Smirk> "Well... Okay. We'll get the Hedgehog first and _then_..." 

<Ogle> "Then?" 

<Snuggle> "Know how to play Piggy, Piggy, Curl My Tail?" 

_Titter_ "Who do ya think skewered the piggy?" 

"Hot damn! What that's bugger's name again?" 

"Eh, Biggles, Bangtail, Boysenberry...?" 

"Never mind, we'll just get 'em all or my name's not Astonogramistimingle!" 

_Whoop!_ "Come on, Bad Ast! To horse, to horse! We ride, we ride! Foofoo and Ladybug, side by side!" 

"Yeeee Haaaaaa!" 

On Gnarly! And Inky! And Jolly and Foofoo! On Jinky! And Dandy! And Puffer and Booboo! We follow our Ladybug off to Bag End!   
With anklets and ruffles as our dividend! 

* * *

*ring-ring-ring!* 

"Palantir 4. May I help you?" 

"Saruman, my sweet? They're gone!" 

"Yesss! I'm on my way!" 

_click!_

tbc


End file.
